So… I didn’t make any posts, especially not ‘personal’ posts for a while. On purpose, mainly. I told myself I was thinking about things. Also doing a lot of not thinking about things, making very pointed attempts to avoid thinking of certain subjects.
it didn’t work. I just really wanted everything to be ‘okay’ but it’s not. And I’m not really sure why, because when I look at everything that’s happening right now, if I just lay it out, it should really all be great. But it’s not. I’m still incredibly sad and always, always anxious. even if I try not to be.
this is super vague but it’s after three a.m, so yeah.
Currently, I am home alone with my roommate and I have just been crying silently in my room for the past forty or so minutes, in between texting my mom. I would like to just leave but I have no cigarettes and how do I drive with no cigarettes. And what kind of reasoning even is that.
I opened up a notebook to do some writing, like I’ve been wanting/not wanting to do for weeks now, and a small piece of paper fell out. It’s a receipt from one of the beach arcades in Delaware, when I thought I was in love or whatever. All I want to know is how it even got in there. I didn’t even buy this notebook until months after we came back, when I already knew I was done.
The first couple of years after I turned seventeen are kind of a blur for me. Especially that first year. The events, for the most part, are clear to me but everything else is a haze. I was only going through the motions, really, and even then it felt more like my mother was dragging me, pushing me through them. Back then, I was absolutely convinced that despite the fact that I kept waking up every morning, that I was dead. (Part of me still feels that this is true.)
Anyways, what I remember most clearly about this time is that Everything Was My Fault. I’m not entirely sure when I adapted this mantra, but I wholeheartedly believed it was I seventeen, and when I was eighteen, and when I was nineteen, and for quite a while after that. Multiple therapists had to basically tell me over and over again that, no, it was not my fault my dad was dead. He was sick, I knew this, I really did, but when you are seventeen and you are home by yourself taking care of your dad who has cancer, who has just had surgery, and he stops breathing and your mom comes home and your whole world all of a sudden goes black and all you remember hearing are the sirens from the ambulance before you run from your own house, well, it’s hard to tell yourself it’s not your fault.
But I did, eventually. Except, even after I decided that his death wasn’t my fault, other things still were. If my mother was sad - my fault. If my sister was angry - my fault. Any kind of argument with anyone - just say sorry already, it’s clearly your fault.
So, yeah, it took a very long time for me to be able to clearly see what things were actually my fault and what wasn’t. So it still ends up hurting, almost devastating me, when I feel like I’m being wrongly faulted for something. I have to try so hard to just not break down and just accept it. Sometimes I still do.