So… I didn’t make any posts, especially not ‘personal’ posts for a while. On purpose, mainly. I told myself I was thinking about things. Also doing a lot of not thinking about things, making very pointed attempts to avoid thinking of certain subjects.
it didn’t work. I just really wanted everything to be ‘okay’ but it’s not. And I’m not really sure why, because when I look at everything that’s happening right now, if I just lay it out, it should really all be great. But it’s not. I’m still incredibly sad and always, always anxious. even if I try not to be.
this is super vague but it’s after three a.m, so yeah.
Currently, I am home alone with my roommate and I have just been crying silently in my room for the past forty or so minutes, in between texting my mom. I would like to just leave but I have no cigarettes and how do I drive with no cigarettes. And what kind of reasoning even is that.
I opened up a notebook to do some writing, like I’ve been wanting/not wanting to do for weeks now, and a small piece of paper fell out. It’s a receipt from one of the beach arcades in Delaware, when I thought I was in love or whatever. All I want to know is how it even got in there. I didn’t even buy this notebook until months after we came back, when I already knew I was done.