I’ve been avoiding writing about this because I know I can’t write about it well. I can’t write about it from a distance, where my words are pretty and eloquent and each sentence seems to flow into the next with ease. I just fucking can’t. So I’m just going to write whatever the fuck I want. Fuck any sense of context. Fuck any kind of logical story flow. Fuck pretty words.
I feel like the whole thing was bullshit. Complete, utter bullshit. Honestly, as far as I am concerned, what it comes down to is that you said you were there for me, regardless of what happened, and then you bailed. I mean, there’s really no other way to put it. I was incredibly depressed and you just bailed. I was trying not to be, I really was, because you said that I had to try to. So I did. Even though the entire idea of “trying not to be depressed” when I’m using all of my energy to just fucking get through a day is kind of bullshit but I did it anyway. And that was part of the problem to begin with those last couple of months. I was super depressed and didn’t really want to be around anyone, ever. I had to force myself. And, for some reason, you had the audacity to tell me that I “should have told you sooner”. What the fuck. What do you call me crying and talking for weeks about how I just want to kill myself? What the fuck is that if not telling you that I am very much so depressed. I don’t know how much clearer you wanted me to spell it out. “I’m depressed”. “I want to cut myself all the time now.” “I wish I could kill myself”. Please, tell me how I could have been more clear. But, you said it would be okay and that we would get through this and that you would be there for me. And I believed you. And then you bailed. And now all of it just seems like a ton of bullshit.